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GOLFING PARROT

A golfer took a vacation in Florida. He was a big bettor and always had at least $500 riding on each round. He asked at the pro shop if there was anyone around who liked a little competition, and the pro introduced him to a man named Joe.

"Is Joe a good golfer?" the man asked when Joe left to get his clubs.

"He doesn’t look that good but he always seems to win his matches," the pro replied.

The man met Joe on the first tee, and they agreed to play for $500. On the first tee, Joe hooked his drive into the water, and the vacationer won the hole. On the next hole, Joe topped his drive and then shanked his second shot into the trees. The man won that hole, too. On the next tee Joe took off his hat and scratched his head. When he did that, a big parrot flew up and lighted in a nearby tree. "Want to double the bet?" Joe asked.

"Sure," the vacationer said, already counting his winnings as he stepped up to the tee. On the top of his back swing, the parrot made a noise like a train whistle, and the vacationer wiffed the ball and lost the hole. On the next hole, which required a second shot over a pond, the vacationer selected his iron when the parrot said, "Five iron’s too much." The player changed to a six and hit it into the water. While the man was putting on one hole, the parrot said, "It breaks to the left," but the putt broke right. The man missed it to go three down. By the 18th hole, the vacationer was ten down to Joe and glaring at the bird.

"What do I need to do to get rid of that lousy parrot?" he said to nobody in particular.

"Just pay me $100 more than Joe does," the bird said.

20090901

Boss

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

20090801

Horny Parrot

A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?"

She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her."

So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other one and said, "Put away the Bible, our prayers have been answered."

20090701

Costly Parrot

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Parrot 20090601

 

Monty Python Parrot 20090501

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE&feature=related

Bonus Parrot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rfGEtALHYs

Lost Parrot 20090401

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

Whoppi Goldberg  20090301

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0ebwf9AJg8

Magician 20090201

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot.

The parrot would always give away the tricks saying things like,

"he has a card up his sleeve" or "he has a dove in his pocket."

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat.

For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other.

Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said,

"Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship

Jesus 20090101

Det var en papegoja som hade lärt sig att ringa i telefonen och ställde alltid till det för sig!
En dag kom papegojans ägare hem och fann ett STORT lass med grus på framsidan av huset!
Då denne nu visste om papegojans egenskaper sprang han in, tog tag i gojan, och frågade:
– Har DU beställt grus?
– NEJ, svarade papegojan.
– HAR DU BESTÄLLT GRUS IGEN ??
– NEJ, svarade papegojan !
– Erkänn! Annars så spikar jag upp dig på väggen!
– Men jag har ju INTE beställt grus sa papegojan!
Mannen hämtade hammare och spik.
– Erkänn! Det är din sista chans!
– Men jag har ju inte…
Dunk Dunk!
Papegojan satt fast på väggen och ägaren sa:
– DÄR FÅR DU HÄNGA TILLS DU HAR ERKÄNNT!!!
Och så lämnade han rummet.
Papegojan började studera rummet och såg på väggen mittemot, ett kors med Jesus på och frågade:
– Har Du också beställt grus!?